I can reach for the support and encouragement I need at any time.
I have 38 days of sobriety. This is very encouraging and exciting! I am not frightened or fidgety, in need of a drink. But I am tired – bone tired. I have discovered a wonderful author, Heather Plett, and her writing about self-care gives me encouragement as my steps toward whomever I am meant to be at the end of this journey feel more like impossible efforts against a rushing tide of water.
Captivating and Dangerous
But Heather’s work reminds me of something very important: it is my job to take care of myself first. She recounts a recent lesson she learned from a jewelry maker about this:
She chose a beautiful wooden image of a tree that has taken root in an unstable place as her reminder that she is capable of caring for herself, as long as she does that first.
Youngest of 7, my sister closest in age to me, Susanna, helps me out in a muddy situation.
But what if, like me, you have lived 49 years of “making messes” and surrounding yourself with people who clean them up? My only choice is to forgive and love myself or I won’t be able to maintain my sobriety or fully love the children my husband and I brought into this world.
Isa, my older child, is extremely strong – inside and out!Mario, the younger child, shares his conquest with pride then sets it free (like a good boy!).
You’ll notice a lot of water in my post today. Throughout my life, during times of intense change and uncertainty, I have always dreamed of rushing water. It carries me to the place I am meant to be – my destination. Although I am terrified daily of losing myself, losing my family, losing my way – I know these fears are irrational. Learning to quickly access my “quiet place” deep inside – my source of strength – helps reassure me (sometimes hundreds of times a day) that all is as it should be.
I am not alone on my journey, thank God! My partner and husband, Michael, is with me every step.
So, for one more day, I believe I can continue this journey – as exhausting as it can be. My family and friends that know me and love me understand I may not be the “Queen of Perky” for awhile…..but she will be back and when I find her LOOK OUT!!!!!
13 months ago, I told everybody I was an alcoholic and I stopped drinking – cold turkey. 5 months later, I had decided that I could manage drinking moderately on my own. 3 months after that, I allowed myself to expand my definition of “moderate” to 1 bottle of Malbec nightly. About a month after that, “moderate” often meant 1 1/2 bottles of any wine – I wasn’t picky any longer. In the last 6 months, I have had more hangovers than the previous 25 years combined.
But I kept craving my wine every evening by 5:30, in spite of the hangovers. Meanwhile, things got pretty challenging for my son in Middle School. He lost 50 pounds in 3 months and stopped going to school altogether.
It was time for me to stop riding in the backseat of my life and commit to sobriety, for myself, for my family.
Sitting outside the first AA meeting, terrified and shaking and on the verge of tears.
Today, I have been sober for 6 days, and I have found a brand new group of empathetic souls. I live for my sobriety and my daily Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Here are 4 poignant truths I have learned from listening to many brave people about addiction to alcohol:
1. FEED YOUR SOBRIETY LIKE YOU FED YOUR ADDICTION
I hear people talking about being grateful for waking up sober each morning, in spite of their fears of facing a new day. They cherish their newfound way of living and find creative ways to nourish it. Meeting and talking with other alcoholics is just one way. Other people have found comfort and courage in meditation, prayer, public service, laughter, and just relishing in the simple gift of livingone day at a time. I learned there is a term for the first way I tried to stay sober – “white knuckle sobriety” – just like the metaphor suggests, it is all work and no play, very tense and lonely. Now I am learning new ways to enjoy my life free of fixating on that next drink – because I am surrounding myself with the wonderful people of AA.
The “24 Hours Recovery” Coin I received at my first AA meeting.
2. “ROCK BOTTOM” IS YOUR FRIEND
Whatever it is that leads you to commit to Recovery is a blessing. Don’t ruminate over it, be grateful that it opened up a new way of living and move toward the future. Yes, eventually I will “work” the 12 Steps and do a thorough and honest inventory of my past and make amends to those I have harmed. But for now, in my first week of Recovery, I am just grateful for my “rock bottom” and whatever Force that led me to a program with new friends to help me stay sober. At my first meeting, I received a plastic coin with the Serenity Prayer on one side and the phrase, “To thine own self be true” on the other. I touch it several times a day – it is a real symbol of a miraculous change that is happening within me.
3. THE VIEW FROM THE DRIVER’S SEAT IS MUCH BETTER THAN THE BACK SEAT
Some alcoholics are control freaks, others are fearful “yes” people who prefer to let others control them. I am the second type. Sitting in the back seat, I have observed a lot of faults in others but given myself permission to avoid honestly assessing myself. Each additional day I nurture my sobriety, I am stronger and have more desire to sit in that driver’s seat and enjoy the journey that is my life.
A few hours after my first AA meeting. Completely serene.
4. HUMILITY SHINES MORE BEAUTIFULLY THAN GOLD
When actively living in my addiction, I tried to fool myself with a “pretty veneer” – shallow expressions of success, happiness, and a good life. Everybody knows, the only thing more frightening than a room full of crusty bikers is a room full of addicts. I avoided walking into that room for longer than I care to admit. But I have and it is glorious. Maybe only an addict can laugh at this, but one of the the group leaders self-deprecatingly shared with us how unlike other addicts he was sure he was – until one day he found himself sitting in a County jail reading a copy of “I’m Ok, You’re Ok”!!!! Fortunately, he got out of the jail and generously shares his story with “newbies” like me because getting sober is a really scary thing at first.
I am excited about starting this journey with others instead of “white knuckling” it by myself. I am grateful to have the opportunity to share parts of the journey with those who wish to read about it here. Stay tuned!
Cheeky in 1988 – when I could chug a beer and feel good the next day!
September 13 will mark my 4-Month Sobriety Anniversary. I am pretty excited. I have done it all on my own – not even a single AA meeting, no sponsor, nothing but GRIT and DETERMINATION. I have managed to turn around in my head all the old assumptions about why/how drinking made me a better person. For instance:
1. “I cannot get through another “Back to School Night” without a nip of the old sauce” has changed to “I can go and enjoy noticing the OTHER parents who have had a nip or 2.”
2. “I am just not fun anymore now that I cannot drink” has changed to “I am giving myself and my family a wonderful sense of stability and security knowing that I am fully present, alert and sober 24/7.” That is KIND OF fun, right?
I have also learned a thing or two about how other people react when you tell them you are no longer drinking. Many of them appear supportive – how can they NOT be, right – but there is always a little question at the end of their interactions that says, “Maybe in a few months you’ll be able to be like me again.”
The most amazing support I have received since admitting to myself and my friends and family that I am an alcoholic has come from the most astonishingly surprising places. People in my midst that I really did not think I had much of a connection with have continuously expressed positive, affirming, loving praise and kindness. It helps a lot. Especially when I feel my head exploding and would love to have a drink and a smoke!
After 4 months without drinking, I definitely feel more like my “old self” and am so happy to be embracing a life of acknowledging and avoiding addiction. It is much more pure – it liberates me. And it gives me the security that other people feel when they have “FUCK YOU MONEY” in the bank! I have MYSELF in the bank. I have MY ESSENCE.
Guess what else? I am thinking about the future for the first time in many years. I don’t feel trapped in a life I did not choose anymore. No more self-pity. It went away with the Malbec someplace far, far away! I am back in college and pursuing a career in the allied health professions – and this goal I will ACTUALLY achieve and celebrate with CAKE and my FAMILY – not a bottle of Malbec in the darkness. I am stronger, better, happier, and have that “Fuck You” attitude back that is healthy.
If you find yourself battling addiction – don’t hesitate to think about what I am saying and reach out for the support you need to move forward in your future. It feels good to have SOBRIETY at my side….at all times…..covering me like Linus’ security blanket.
Cheeky Street 